here a little of my back story ...
On January 22nd, 2014 ... I had started the discussion when I told my husband that I wasn't happy and that things needed to change [things had been hard for a LONG time]. His response? He took off his ring and walked out the door. It was clear he didn't even want to try.
On January 25th, 2014 I told my sister that I would give it another three months to try to see if we could make it work. I promised I would try the hardest that I could.
His words said otherwise ... but his actions never did -- not for the next three months.
My sat me down and asked to talk to me on April 25th, 2014 [EXACTLY 3 months after the conversation I had with my sister]. I sat. He then calmly told me he no longer loved and and never would. He then asked if we could just be friends. The whole conversation was eerily calm, no yelling, no crying ... just calm conversation.
I feel like my whole life exploded. It wasn't a random grenade thrown into the
midst of chaos. It was a calculated
demolition to try to mitigate and minimize the effects. After almost 11 years of marriage my husband
and I decided to divorce. This truly was
one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made.
I've been struggling with mixed and conflicting
emotions. I feel like a failure … I feel
like a success. I feel scared … I feel
brave. I am worried about what the
future will bring and yet super excited about the change and what my next
adventure will be.
In the plan of happiness everyone has their agency, and I
came to truly realize that I cannot make choices for someone else. This
knowledge has struck me now more so than ever before. In some ways I feel
completely helpless, but it was also truly empowering to know that although I
cannot make someone else’s choices … I can make *MY* choices. I need to focus on me and the choices I am
making and the things that I can control.
My church puts such a great emphasis on eternal families that
caused me to struggle. It was hard to
admit the strife I was experiencing in my own marriage -- denial is a real
place and I was there. It was hard to
admit that divorce was actually *better* for my four children than
staying. One Sunday afternoon as I was
reciting the Young Women’s Theme I came to understand that the concepts of
“divine nature” and “individual worth” are important too. I deserve to feel loved, respected, valued,
and supported (he does too, for that matter). I was struck with the REAL and true thought that *I* matter, me: Jodi ... the Lord loves and knows me. He wants me to be happy. It was real, like someone hit me over the head.
I have learned to lean on my savior and trust in him and
myself. I have learned that I am
stronger than I ever thought I was. I
know the upcoming time of my life is going to be rough and life is going to
suck for a little while -- but I have NEVER questioned the decision. Once I made it I felt instantly at peace and
have never second guessed the choice. I
question lots of other things … but never that choice. Divorce was the right answer to all the questions I was struggling with. Divorce was the right answer for me.
